Church Search

you can't serve both God and mammon.

2006-07-24T19:54:00.000-07:00

life has thrown me for an odd loop lately...

first the IRS, now everyone else.

i have a stable and good paying job, and some side income, but lately i just haven't had enough money.

now me and my cable company are in a big dispute about large amounts of money that i swear i have paid, and they swear i have not, and i have no internet, cable or telephone.

somebody owes me $11,o00, and i need it NOW.

know what though? me and my girls have played a lot of games together. we've spent time being ourselves together. me and my husband have had some great times too. i have been going to plays and enjoying work and living a less distracted life.

as frustrated as i was for the last month or so, i have read a lot and gotten my library card renewed; i've begun to work some things out with the help of my pastor. i've found a new AA sponsor.

life is good these days, if i look at it the right way.

this might even be the happiest time in my life so far...

book of revelation

2006-07-23T12:16:00.000-07:00

ever thought that maybe the events of revelation already happened like during the black plague, or the flood hasn't yet occurred, and that noah is among us or has yet to be born?

i know that some of you may send me hate mail for this one, but i don't mind.

brewed, screwed, tattooed.

2006-06-27T20:34:00.000-07:00

remember when Jesus said that the sinners were the ones who need salvation?

seems odd to me that the modern xian church treats tattoed youngsters, homos, and folks who don't drive the right car like crap.

in fact, it seems to me that many modern xians never even read the words of the individual that their own religion is named after.

***

when i confide my religion to my peers, the response is usually a facial blanching...

apparently b/c ppl think of xians as fluffy haired soccer moms, and not, well, um, ahem, people like me.

later, when people hear that i give to the poor and take in the homeless and feed strangers, even homosexuals, they will often say things like "i thought you were a christian."

how 'bout that?

you can't serve both God and money

2006-06-22T21:24:00.000-07:00

the IRS says i underpaid them $6,100 for 2003! <-- just got the letter today

can i stand as a conscientious objector and tell them that i serve God instead?

((or does this fall under giving to Caesar))

insomnia

2006-06-20T07:27:00.000-07:00

sometimes i get to worrying that God just isn't there anymore.

it's dumb, and it sucks but it's true.

son of man

2006-06-16T22:13:00.000-07:00

dude!

i think i finally figured out what son of man means... would like to first point out that it is used by many of the old jewish prophets, not just Jesus.

anyhow, i was sitting here reading the dorky book of enoch (just for shits and giggles), when it dawned on me that according to oral tradition, there was a contamination of human dirt/flesh (adam and eve's descendents) by angels who made the nephilim.

(side note: according to my sources, adam does not just mean "man" in ancient hebrew, it actually means "humanity")

the human/angel hybrids were supposedly very nasty creatures and they had so corrupted the earth that God brought forth great floods in which noah's clan survives.

son of man refers to the descendents of pure in-God's-image humanity. cutting out all human/angel demon/mixes!

whoa.

walking in the garden

2006-06-13T19:00:00.000-07:00

y'know what?

genesis (pre-fruit genesis) tells us that God used to walk among his creation and speak to the people there.

did the forbidden fruit take away God, or our pureness and ability to perceive Him?

not to sound like a new ager (i really mean it), but now that Jesus died to rectify our sin and now that He sent the Holy Spirit, technically, we should be able to obtain our pre-contaminated state.

someone else did a post about evolution, so i want to too.

2006-06-10T14:24:00.000-07:00

WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT?

the theory of evolution is currently the most scientifically underminable crap that is forced upon us.

***

here's my embarrassing story:

about a year ago, i tried a different church b/c mine wasn't offering sunday school.

i ended up taking a class on making prayer beads, it was cool, until the woman teaching it showed us this bizarre spiral that was supposed to somehow show us the evolution of humanity... and she told us that she would meditate on the spiral while using her prayer beads.

quite unlike myself, i felt awkward and didn't say anything like "what the fuck are you talking about? is this a church or a pagan temple?" frankly, i am embarrassed that i didn't say anything!

not only that, but i haven't even told the story to anyone b/c i am so humiliated.

i don't know why i am so embarrassed about it, or what there is to be embarrassed about. it's like catching your dad on the toilet or something. i was embarrassed for her.

i've met with the pastor from that church and emailed back and forth, but have never told him why i refuse to return.

i think i should definately say something.

my "roommate"

2006-06-08T20:10:00.000-07:00

possibly symbolic of the millipede, is my "roommate".

a guy i met about 3 years ago in a meeting, saw off and on - in vague 'howyadoin' acquaintenceship, then lost touch with about a year ago.

about 6 months ago i ran into him in the dead of minnesota winter. he was staying in a homeless shelter... said he was awaiting social security because of a blood-borne disease he contracted while working as a paramedic some years back. was really in serious health trouble. i told him he could stay with me for a few weeks.

he's still here.

he has gone and come back twice. he is a very sweet man, but he has stolen tiny amounts of money, he has gotten drunk and peed on the bed, just tuesday, i had to drag him off to detox b/c of the rule that drunk people are not allowed around my children. for the most part he is not a shitty "roommate"; he cleans up and is pleasant to be around, but more than anything, i want him to be gone for good.

it has been commanded:Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.

therefore i will not ask him to go. it is expressly against my religion.

but man, this one is hard.

the millipede

2006-06-08T18:54:00.000-07:00

(this has nothing to do with religion at all)

this morning there was a millipede in my apartment!

bleargh.

seemed to catch it, caulk up the windows and get dressed all at once.

left the house at 6:10 AM.

the hateful animal seemed to crawl up from the bowels of hell just to creep me out.

minnesota is not supposed to have beasts like that.

fie.

pro-life or anti-death?

2006-06-07T18:37:00.000-07:00

Researchers from Harvard University have begun efforts to clone human embryos, defying hopes by President George W Bush for a US ban.

do you ever get the creepy feeling that when your time finally comes they aren't gonna let you die?

this is some sick shit they're coming out with to prolong life.

varieties of religious experiences...

2006-06-07T03:54:00.000-07:00

in his terribly boring book 'varieties of religious experiences,' william james covers two main epiphanic options... the lightning bolt, and the educational variety.

i have had hundreds of lightning bolts, strong enough to change my mind for a long time, but in serious reflection, have decided that the long term 'educational varieties' are really where its at.

it has been said that an epiphany can surpass time by allowing one to completely understand a 100% foreign concept in the twinkling of an eye. very powerful stuff.

in following the teachings of Christ, i get a more gentle understanding of my fellows, reminding me that when i was a little child, i was kind. i did not need anything but trust.

in these personally difficult times for me, i have a huge opportunity to allow christ to water my educational spiritual garden... if i do what he says.

politics

2006-06-06T19:40:00.000-07:00

seems odd to me that so many right wingers use xianity as a platform for getting votes, and that so many xians actually go along with it.

am fairly certain that Jesus/the Father/the Holy Spirit does not approve of our government's current activities.

not to say that i know the mind of God, but i do know what Jesus (not paul) taught, and it was nothing like "spend all of the education dollars to bring in more more more -- but only more for the elite, fuck up and kill anyone who doesn't approve of you," or any of the other nonsense we are currently contributing to.

i do not think that it goes the other way either... smile like a slimeball and say whatever you must to get your way nor act like you care so you can get your way.

absolute power corrupts absolutely... frankly, i am ashamed to be a taxpayer.

free will

2006-06-05T04:33:00.000-07:00

clearly free will is the main contributor to the fall of man...

here's the main question: were man and woman given free-will as a part of being created in the image of God? or was it something attained by eating the forbidden fruit?

came upon the question recently in a discussion with my husband, and it is not a subject i've ever read/heard anything about. seems to me that this is a major philosophical point.

the big bang

2006-06-02T14:36:00.000-07:00

who said that the big bang theory disputes Genesis?

it doesn't.

i would really like to discuss the ideas in a book i read a few years back called 'just 6 numbers' by martin rees. it is a fascinating account of our own reality, in our own third dimension.

basically, there are 6 significant numbers in cosmology, that mathematically show us the wonders of the universe that God created... anyone who knows these numbers and still disputes the existence of God is seriously stubborn.

* N:

this number measures the strength of the electrical forces that hold atoms together, divided by the force of gravity between them. that number is always 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 no matter which atom (or molecule) you choose.

* E:

this value is 0.007. if E were 0.006 or 0.007, we could not exist. it defines how firmly atomic nuclei bind together and how all the atoms on earth were made.

* OMEGA:

omega measures the amount of material in our universe. if the ratio were too high
relative to a particular 'critical' value, the universe would have collapsed long
ago; had it been too low, no galaxies or stars would have formed. The initial
expansion speed seems to have been finely tuned.

* LAMBDA:

this number represents a cosmic antigravity which controls the expansion of our universe -- it has no discernible effect on scales less than a billion light-years!
LAMBDA is very small, otherwise its effect would have stopped galaxies and stars from forming and cosmic evolution would have been stifled before it could even begin.

* Q:

the fabric of our universe depends on the number Q (which represents the ratio of two fundamental energies and is about 1/100,000 in value). Q is the zygote of all cosmic structures, e.g. the seeds for all cosmic structures were imprinted in the big bang. If Q were even smaller, the universe would be inert and structureless; if Q were much larger, it would be a violent place dominated by vast black holes.

* D:

the number of spatial dimensions in our world (3). this is an important number b/c
a three-dimensional world is the only place where gravity and electricity obey an
inverse-square law. clearly, three-dimensions is a very complex issue. but let's
put it this way... the stability of our solar-system absolutely depends on three
spacial dimensions. cataclysmic events would occur (even with the other 5 numbers
in place) if we had any fewer or any more spacial dimensions...

INTERESTING STUFF, NO?

any takers?

btw, please do not make ANY comments on 'what the bleep do we know'... let's just say i am not a fan.

the Holy Ghost

2006-06-01T14:56:00.000-07:00

know what?

the Holy Spirit is God too.

Jesus is not the only form of God on earth.

Grace based salvation

2006-05-29T21:28:00.000-07:00

there has been a minor holy war raging between me and my husband.

he is constantly telling me about how his deeds will get him to heaven, and i am constantly telling him that if he believes that, he is certain not to go...

very harsh on my part, but true nonetheless (perhaps that is one of the reasons he loves me so much less now than he did on the day we wed?).

it's tough, and my approach has gotten less tactful through the years, but my conscience just will not allow me to go on letting my husband think that his deeds are ever good enough to get him to heaven: especially if he's doing them for the simple course of getting into heaven.

it's not a subject that i ever broach myself, it is always tony bringing it up. and of course, when me and the fellow i'm bridled to originally married, i naievely assumed that all xians knew that we are saved by grace alone.

anyway, yesterday we somehow beat the dead horse again, and i gave him what i call "the lamborghini argument"... essentially that if he were to give his son a lamborghini, and then his son starts doing odd jobs and later insists that he worked for the car then that is nothing but insulting to the generosity of the giver; but that if he gives his son a lamborghini and then his son tries to please him because he is grateful for the fact that the giver is a wonderful, generous, being who the son wants to be in relation with (not b/c he is hoping for a beamer in a few years), then the sentiment is 100% different.

this week, i will be in constant prayer for the Holy Spirit to descend upon my tony... that tony will open his eyes to the wonderous miracle of the Lord's unbelievable generosity, and that tony will somehow epiphanize that he want's Heaven so he can be close to God, and not just so he won't burn in hell.

perhaps it is not too late for pentecost in our family?

HAPPY ASCENSION SUNDAY!

2006-05-28T21:05:00.000-07:00

today it dawned on me that it is an absolute miracle that we have any scripture to listen to at all.

there is so much discouragement thrown into christianity by the folks who know just enough to be dangerous... it is like a HUGE revelation by disbelievers that the 4 main gospels were not actually written down until well after Christ's death.

i know we've all heard the argument that the scriptures can not be very accurate because of the gap between the accounts and the events.

anyhoo... today in church it dawned on me how amazing it is that we have written documents at all.

for the most part, the world was completely illiterate during the first century.

when we look at scripture from the points of view of the folks who wrote them down, it is is plain as the nose on your face that written testimony would be nothing but a total waste of time. the absurdity would be similar to us trying to send telepathic messages to folks in the year 2950... never suspecting that telepathy will be their only form of communication, and feeling quite foolish about participating in the cockamamied project at all.

to hire scribes at that time was a major waste of resources too. first century christians needed to protect what little money and time and volunteerism that they had, in order to go out and spread the Word -- like Jesus told them to.

nowadays, people cling to the written words like bad superstition. then when some of those poor people discover that the gospels were originally many differing books, or written down way, way after Christ's actual ministry, their faith is crushed.

i would like to propose that we look at it from another perspective. that we stand in awe of the fact that we have the written word at all. that the foresight to write down the accounts of what they had witnessed is a major miracle in an of itself.

amen.

my husband tony...

2006-05-27T22:43:00.000-07:00

for about the past 2 years (or so), my wonderful (if odd) husband tony has, from time-to-time mentioned being afraid of me...

he's 6 feet tall and weighs 240#, and i am 5' 2" & very small, so i've never paid much attention.

SO ANYWAY

earlier tonight, we took a walk together, and he brought up his "fear" again so i probed further.

here's what he said: "... i'm just scared that if i ran off with another woman, you would kill me in my sleep."

!!!

i reminded him that i don't even kill bugs, have never eaten meat, share my tiny apartment with the homeless, take in stray animals... and that i think that if he is stupid enough to run off with another woman, then he is not smart enough to be married to me in the first place.

then the darndest thing happened. we actually had a really great night. for like the first time in months and months.

could it be that my gigantic, carniverous, husband (who actually eats chicken's wings, and lamb's chops, and lobster that was boiled alive) really was afraid of his tiny, little, vegetarian, quaker/methodist wife?

is it possible that this bizarre fear of his has been standing in the way of our ultimate marital bliss?

what an odd thing.

Jocelyn

2006-05-25T19:37:00.000-07:00

i am trapped working with an evil monster.

a snotty little mall-walker who claims to be christian.

she tortures her patients and treats her co-workers like slaves.

every single day brings a new drama -- i blame it all on bad manners...

haven't said much about turning the other cheek, but the good pastor doug brought up compassion today.

is it possible that that poor wretch is one of God's children too?
does her ill personality mean that she is just really unhappy?
could it be true that i have never said an ill word to her in all these weeks?

HAS GOD INFUSED ME WITH SOME TYPE OF TOLERANCE THAT I NEVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE?!?

the thin membrane of sanity which separates me from my past temper seems to be a divine miracle... praise be to God.

just had to jump on the blue quiz craze... don't quite believe it though.

2006-05-24T20:25:00.000-07:00

You Are Navy Blue

You're a true adventurer. You constantly find yourself drawn to new experiences, people, and places.
Sometimes you feel quite scattered and bored. If something exciting isn't going on, you feel a bit lost.

What Color Blue Are You?

go and learn

2006-05-24T06:12:00.000-07:00

was recently turned on to hillel's golden rule.

could go on and on about what i've learned about "do unto others..." b/c i have discovered that we don't all wan't the same things.

that there are those in the world who want terrible things. they really want them. that is honestly how they want others to treat them... but i don't necessarily wish for what they do.

***

hillel's version of the golden rule and Jesus' version of the golden rule are quite different than the Torah's.

hillel tells us 'What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbour. That is the whole Torah. The rest is commentary. Go and learn!' Jesus tells us to 'love the Lord thy God with all your heart, soul, body, and mind.'

both are much more practical and precise than "do unto others as you would have others do unto you." but call for much more work.

unfortunately, in my experience hillel's command falls short... i have been much disappointed by discovering that we don't all find others' kindnesses to be kind nor what we want or need. that sometimes someone who is doing something which i find to be hateful, is their version of love... throwing out contempt prior to investigation has taught me that the plain, old, basic golden rule simply is not enough.

have never met disappointment when following Jesus' commands... am grateful that what seemed at first like a flimsy reed has proven to be the mighty branch of the hand of God and that there is no room for interpretation with 'love God with all your heart, etc.' That is where i have found true strength.

BIRDS AND BEES...

2006-05-23T18:05:00.000-07:00

not long ago, i heard a sermon on the radio all about how parents should educate their children about the facts of life...

that it is a christian parent's duty to explain all about sex to their offspring, so the brood can be responsible virgins until marriage.
blah blah blah.

am not super fond of the premarital sex arguments, but definately agreed that it was probably best for them to 'hear it here first'.

after several weeks of psyching myself up, i told my 10 year old and 6 year old that i had to explain some things to them.

well... here's how it went. we covered the basics, but then something happened.

i became a crazed lunatic.

i went on and on about how our bodies are our property. how people will be lying to them in a few years about what they should be doing with their bodies, and that there would be incessant nagging by the media - as well as those who believe the media - about what their bodies should look like, what their boyfriends should act like, and how they can be more appealing to the men around them.

we became like frenzied maenads discussing how God made us just fine however we are, and how we have rights to do whatever we wish to do with ourselves.

my 10 year old shared a pathetic story about a young lady in her class had been french kissing boys, and how sad it is that she does not see herself as a gorgeous gem.

my 6 year old declared that she was "never gonna do it"... we cheered back with a "yes, sister! you do what you want!"

then we ate macaroni and cheese and went to bed.

2006-05-22T21:18:00.000-07:00

I can't talk to you
Without talkin' to me.
-grateful dead, althea

Rumor in the biblical world is that the story of "let he who has not sinned throw first the stone," was not in the original texts, but was an oral tradition, handed down.

even if that story is not true... looking at the beam in thine own eye is always a good exercise.

my dear friend David was talking about resentment earlier tonight. about how our minds are resentment machines, and the freedom that comes from letting go.

easier said than done.

there are exercises that I have to do in order to keep myself on the proper spiritual plane. I do not get to "know" the exercises, I must do them in order to get any benefit. Kinda like how I can't get flat abs from thinking about pilates.

David reminded me that when dealing perception, if i can slow down long enough to ask myself if I've ever done that or can imagine myself doing it... then I have something to work with.

wearing life like a loose garment takes time. and I can not wish away resentment anymore than i could wish away my alcoholism... (oops, now you know I'm a recovering alcoholic).

Living for today.

2006-05-22T03:58:00.000-07:00

frankly, i am just sick and tired of being told that i can't live for today.

a few years back, i decided to take "give us this day our daily bread" more seriously, as well as "tomorrow will worry about itself" like Jesus said.

am constantly being told (by people, not ads) that there is better insurance, and better savings accounts, and that it is better to try and guess how long i will live so i can have a better retirement.

bullshit.

am simply not willing spend my life working for "peace of mind." can chase all the "peace of mind" sellers for the rest of my fuckin' life and never have any "peace of mind".

not to mention the better religions, and the better form of tithing, and the better way to serve God.

why?

am simply not willing sell my soul for someone else's validation. can chase other people's crazy shit all day long, and it will never make any sense at all.

those with a true contact with God know darn well that it is not just a case of saying a prayer where you ask Jesus to save you and then going on with the meaningless life. it is a journey.

Jesus told us that at the end, many of us will call out to him Lord, Lord, but he will not know us.

Salvation prayers are a sure beginning, but doing as the Lord says just 'cuz HE says, is the next step for me.

Am just so pissed about insurance, and money, and vehicles, and (as pastor doug says) chasing Madison Avenue.

It is fine for those who choose it, if that's what they want. But for God's sake, quit telling me how to serve the Lord! He does a good enough job of it.

what the fuck?

2006-05-21T06:50:00.000-07:00

Looking at the BBC news today, I saw an interesting article about an anti-pornography rally in Jakarta. apparently it was populated by about 10,000 women and children.

Now let me just say a thing or 2 (or 3 or 4) about pornography: I hate it. I think it is horribly evil because it turns real people with real feelings into inanimate objects. I think of it as a corroding thread. I happen to know many women who are sex workers and their common bond is that they were all raped and molested as children. I know that most of the purveyors of that industry are terribly abusive, and it is a sub-culture where abuse is common, expected, and seen as okay. I know that if me and my sister would have had each others' bedrooms (instead of the ones we had by chance) when we were growing up. I would have been the one to get raped by the guy who crept into the window, and I would be the one who is a stripper and a prostitute, and trying to claw my way out. I know that a level 3 sex-offender recently stated that my 7 year old daughter is "getting to be pretty hot", and that that type of comment is a (probably quite common) snippet of a what I'm missing out on by refusing to partake in the horrible underbelly of that part of our society.

Back to Indonesia.

Apparently, there is a new anti-porn bill in Jakarta in which anybody suspected of organizing erotic dancing can be sent to prison. What shocked me is that the 10,000 women and children who attended the rally were actually protesting the bill.

I know all about the child sex industry in Asia. Of course I think it is an awful thing. Not good.
I'd like to see it gone (mysteriously just gone, like hemp).

Alls I can say is that I was under the assumption that the people tormented by the industry in question knew they were in a bad trap too... but now I know that that is ridiculous to think that they would know that.

the whole situation is just not wholesome at all.

~sniffle~

THE LORD'S PRAYER (2)

2006-05-20T19:19:00.000-07:00

I have the wonderful opportunity to walk the 4 blocks to work every day.

It is a fantastic time for reflecting.

For the past several months, one of the things I have thought most about on my daily walk is "OUR FATHER" and exactly what that means.

The Lord's prayer is so amazing. But I rarely get past the 'our father' part on my 10 minute walk, because of all the implications. our father. our father. our father. amazing!

I like to expand my awareness into all of the possible tenants in all of the homes, and it doesn't stop there. He is also the animals' Father, the plants' Father, and every thing that breathes' Father (and every thing that doesn't breathes' father too)... the other thing I like to think about is the 23rd Psalm, but that's another post.

THE LORD'S PRAYER

2006-05-20T07:42:00.000-07:00

The other day, I had an epiphany, except it wasn't really one, but I thought it was one.

Sometimes, my prayers can parallel a tough night that me and 2 of my daughters had about a week ago -- It started out fine, I brought them to Mac and Don's Supper Club (McDonalds) like they always want; got them happy meal trinkets; rented them movies; brought them to the grocery store for yummy treats; and then my daughter Ezra tried to scam me into buying her a magazine which I did not want to buy (as I had just spent $100 on books for her the day before), while my daughter Freya simultaneously started throwing a temper tantrum b/c she wanted a little stuffed kitten (to presumably add to her collection of hundreds of neglected stuffed kittens) .

I could have bought them, but had already told the girls we were not buying any more toys, and then I had to stick by my word (Matthew 5:33). I can see the big picture, they can not. They threw absolute fits.

God is my very best friend, I know he doesn't really mind my problem-solving type prayers, but I know that he already knows.

Sometimes it is right to pray about problems. God wants me to confide in him. Whining is even okay.

But most importantly, I need to live life on God's terms. He knows what I want, but he probably has plans for me that I need to submit to, and slide along with, and love. Because they are lessons just for me, from my best friend ever.

My girls needed an explanation of why not. They needed to go through what we'd already done that was great, and they needed to look at that instead of the magazine/stuffed kitten.

GOD HAS BLESSED ME IMMENSELY. I don't need to go on and on in prayer. He knows.

I thought I was so cool for figuring that out. But then I realized that Jesus already said that right before he taught us how to pray... Jesus rocks.

the mouth of madness

2006-05-19T17:15:00.000-07:00

okay, here's the story... my pride has kept me from talking about it, but i don't care to hide it anymore.

i have a cousin who has spent many years in prison for raping young children. he broke into our house when my sister was 12 and raped her too.

last i saw him, i caught him creeping around my apartment building about 10 years ago, locked him in the elevator, and asked him if he had the balls to stand up to a grown-up (he didn't).

ANYWAY apparently the police have been hanging around at various family members' homes looking for him. besides all the marital trouble i've been having, word in this neck of the woods is that he's wanted again and he's in my state.

here's the trouble...

i feel really bad for him. i remember him as a kid.

not that i'd ever let him anywhere near me without a fist-fight, but i know that he was terribly abused (like unimaginable abuse) and is essentially a broken person.

feeling sorry for a predator makes me really unhappy, and for some reason, every time i swallow back the tears about the situation, i get a terrible stomach ache.

this poor creature has been beaten toothless in prison countless numbers of times, he has been raped, he has been left with an abscessed tooth that ate a hole in his cheek...

and every time anyone has tried to offer him compassion, he fucks them over.

here's what my mom told me: there is no possible way that i can be white trash just because i have a cousin who belongs on Springer... he does not want help... there is nothing anyone can do for him if he doesn't want help... i need to get my mind off of it.

very useful advice.

but i still just feel bad for him. he is one of God's children too. he is a child of the Universe and has never tasted sweetness, or innocence; in fact he has a strong drive to destroy it.

it just makes me really sad.

side note: here are all the reasons that i can not be white trash (i've obsessively thought about this for like 2 weeks)... i floss twice a day. i am a vegetarian. i am kind to others. i have fabulous children. i give things up for lent. i go to church b/c i want to, not just to impress ppl at church. i take in homeless people. i know how to ball-room dance. i yodel.

RELIEVE ME OF THE BONDAGE OF SELF...

2006-05-18T18:35:00.000-07:00

attack thoughts.

apparently, it is attack thoughts that brings us away from the light of God.

as I've already stated, it seems that attack thoughts occur not only in the form of me attacking someone else, but me thinking they're attacking me with their thoughts: which causes me to retaliate and attack them.

the whole thing is giving me an ulcer.

i just want God to help me. i know He is trying, but it's like my spiritual i.q. is in the dunce department. i don't seem to have have the ability to get out of God's way.

shit.

my mother

2006-05-17T20:54:00.000-07:00

I don't really know what's gotten into my mother, but she's acting almost like a real mother.

Totally odd. She lives in a garbage house, and was so neglectful to me as a child that I was emaciated and did not develop until I ran away from home.

Trudgingly, I have worked and worked on the 'honor your mother and father' commandment. And oddly, my mother has been quite a confidante for me for the past year or so. It is so bizarre.

I totally don't trust it, but I need it so badly, that I totally absorb any affection from her at all.

There has been some serious drama going on in our family, so much that I think I've worried myself right into an ulcer (*ouch*).

She sent me and my girls off to a local production of Pippi Longstocking tonight... and gave me $40 for dinner out (even though I have lots of money already, she wouldn't take no for an answer).

Normally, she likes to kick me when I'm down, so her behavior in the past year has taken me by surprise.

I have no reason to suspect that it will last, but just for today, I am very grateful for my mother.

And now I have something nice to say about her when she dies.

Sweeping away the eggshells

2006-05-16T08:17:00.000-07:00

I'm one of those "emotionally sensitive" people.

I spent years trying to build up a callous; but all it did was turn me into an asshole and made me drink a lot.

Then when I converted to christianity, the gospels quickly cut off my ability to not care about the rest of the people in the world.

I've made the decision to consciously hold on to my sensitive nature, which means I need a whole lot of honesty and humility, and the ability to borrow some of God's grace when other people try to take advantage of me.

Sometimes, my inner shit-head comes back out. I was a homeless kid for 4 years, and it is pretty automatic for me to get pissed off when my feelings are hurt. Pissing off those that I love (namely my husband Tony) when my feelings are hurt seems to be instinctive as well... it sucks.

More than anything, I want to have a peaceful and wonderful home-life. It means the world to me. I want happy kids and a happy husband.

WHAT AN ORDER!

Me and Tony have hurt each others' feelings a lot in our lives together.

It always happens as a result of one of us reacting to our own pain.

Speaking of callouses, it is like a disgusting fungus build-up or some shit like that.

It's like our exoskeletons have fallen to the floor, and we are blobby masses of unprotected marm.

The term "walking on eggshells" is a good one for us right now. What we both need to understand, is that the shells we are stepping on have fallen off the of the other person, and are like phantom limbs that still have nerve endings.

I just wish we could start all over.

Sobbing at the glory of God.

2006-05-14T17:31:00.000-07:00

So it happened again. I'm sitting in church, and suddenly just burst out in tears.

So weird.
Pastor Bill must think I'm nuts.
It happens all the time.

Today there was a 13 year old boy getting confirmed. He met and studied with Pastor Bill for several months of his own volition. He wants to be a part of the body of christ. He already is, but he wants God to know he means business.

As we were affirming his decision, I just got so touched that I started bawling.

Not sad crying, not relieved crying, just pure emotion that is coming out my eyeballs.

umm...

I already have a post with the same title, and I guess I'd rather bust out in tears than start yelling in tongues or some other such nonsense. But heck. Doesn't God know it's embarrassing?

~sniffle~ I hereby do solemnly swear to proactively take snotrags to church with me, in my sleeve, like a granny.

Buying tickets to my own show.

2006-05-12T17:07:00.000-07:00

At one point I received some great advice: It is none of my business what anyone but God thinks of me. Please God, and you've done the right thing.

***

It has recently come to my attention that I have a problem. I feel like I've been punched. It's surreal and hard to explain, but it's real.

it's a cycle and here's how it runs:

I have these ideas in my head which consist of the negative thoughts that people close to me are having about me (i.e. my husband thinks i talk too much, my daughter thinks i'm a bitch, my boss thinks i'm inept, my friend doesn't like me anymore).
I work really hard to usurp and reverse their judgments about me.
It doesn't work (because it was all in my head in the first place, it doesn't work 'cuz it's still in my own head).
I get resentful and pissed at my closest pals.
I forgive them, even though they never knew we were fighting.
It starts over the next day.

Dude. No wonder I'm so freaked out and exhausted all the time.

My friend David often talks about buying tickets to his own insane show; I've never understood what he meant... until now.

ouch

When I was an athiest.

2006-05-10T20:19:00.000-07:00

I am absolutely, 100%, positive that I did not believe in a concept of a higher power, even a little bit.

I felt a deep, desperate, sense of isolated futility.

I had no idea why nobody else could see the obvious fact that we are nothing, spiraling into nothing, and it means nothing.

I thought that people were unwilling to handle the facts, and that happiness was an act. I thought religion was the opium of the masses.

That is not what I was taught. I was not taught anything. All on my own I deduced pure existentialism, and I didn't even know that was the term for it until somebody told me that I was making it up, and I had read too much Nietzsche.

I was 11 or 12. I'd never even heard of Nietzsche.

All on my own, I found misery. I will never forget laying in bed at age 2 (I know the age, because we moved into a different house when I was 3), shortly after my father was suddenly just gone, and realizing that everybody else would be gone some day too.

My mother assumed I was asking about death. She told me a rosicrutian story about death. I was inconsolable, so she had her boyfriend Larry McMillan come talk to me.

He affirmed the fact that we all die and that older people will probably die before younger people will (kudos on honesty; should've stopped there).

He then made an off the cuff remark, paraphrasing, it went something like this: "Unless there's a nuclear war, then we'll all die together."

It was at that point that I felt a deep desire to end my life. I was 2. sick.

That is where my own thinking gets me. When I rely on my own logic, that is still what I find; misery.

Apparently, God had different plans for me. Still does. :)

Perhaps he wants me to go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. To be on good terms with all persons without surrender. To speak my truth quietly and CLEARLY, and to listen to others.

Or at least that is what the Desiderata would have me believe; and that dissipates the pain.

desiderata

2006-05-10T05:34:00.000-07:00

...You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

(Max Ehrmann, 1952)

I've only claimed christianity as a religion for a few years.

I was shocked by my own insanity when I suddenly went from athiest to xian... in the blink of an eye.

Among the many things I haven't discovered yet, I was just told about this poem on Monday.

I like it very much. And I was stymied to discover that it seems to be hanging in every church in the country. How did I miss it? What else am I missing? rats.

and i think i've got it bad...

2006-05-08T20:33:00.000-07:00

this just out from the bbc:

Young girls in Liberia are still being sexually exploited by aid workers and peacekeepers despite pledges to stamp out such abuse, Save the Children says.

Girls as young as eight are being forced to have sex in exchange for food by workers for local and international agencies, according to its report.

***

one small step:

for whatever reason, God put me in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and somehow I get to be a dental worker.

I'd rather be in Liberia, stamping out pedophilia; or running around with the Guardian Angels in NYC, kicking bad-guy ass; or working as a bounty hunter, to catch sexual predators; but circumstances have forced me out of both my Criminal Justice program, and my Private Investigation certification, so even though I've really tried to be a tough-guy, despite my "baby-face" and 105# 5' 3" frame, I'm just a little old dental assisting, Methodist Quaker, here in uptown.

Today a little boy named Miles came in. We have several pages of notes about Miles' shitty behavior in the dental chair. He has gaping, painful holes in his teeth, but his fear won't allow us to fix them.

Nobody would work on him, so they brought out the big dogs... Alley and Kelly.

I sat him down in the chair and explained that I was gonna brush his teeth with a special brush. He proceeded to act jumpy and refused to open his mouth.

So I rolled back a foot or so and took off my mask.

I told Miles that we love him, and really want to help him.

I said that nothing would hurt at all if he would just sit still. I told him we were going to give him novocaine, but that I would blow air on his face and tell him a story to get his mind off it... and that dr. kelly would shake his cheek.

I reiterated that we love him and want to help him. He's heard it all before, but never from someone who meant it.

He opened his mouth for the shot like a creaky, rusty gate, and his little eyes welled up with tears. He squeezed the hell out of my hand. But he did it.

I told him the hard part was over.

The look of trust and fear was deep and true. The water, the pressure of the drill, the bizarre tastes and lights... he was a good boy, and we didn't let him down.

His mother couldn't believe that we filled 2 cavities and placed 4 sealants in 1/2 hour. She thought it would be a several-week-long ordeal. It would have been too, if we were full of shit... he would have been able to tell if we really didn't care, but we do.

Maybe I can't do anything to prevent sick assholes from withholding food from little girls until they fuck em... but I can help God fight the fear enemy, one scared little boy at a time.

And somehow, right now, it feels like it's good enough.

JESUS LOVES YOU BUT THE REST OF US THINK YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.

2006-05-07T14:25:00.000-07:00

I've heard tell of some bizarre news.

My boss Kelly swears up and down that George W. and his elect are very verbal about christianity, and that they claim to act under the umbrella of that religion.

There's no way.

I just can't believe that at all.

I'm sure I could easily find out if they really claim that, but I'm sure that if their self-proclamations are "followers of Jesus" the absurdity of that assertion is all I'd talk about for weeks.

All I can say on the matter is that I am 100% certain that the current administration does not act in a way that is anything similar to the teachings of christ (not even close, nuh uh, nope).

2006-05-06T22:31:00.000-07:00

In all my obsessing on the bible, I am fairly sure that that is what Jesus meant in the sermon on the mount when he talks about actually murdering someone vs. wanting to murder them or actually committing adultery vs. wanting to cheat on them. It is the same thing. Really, it is.
My unethical ex-boyfriend and I used to discuss behavior a lot.

He stuck by the fact that if you willfully thought about something that you never actually did, it was just fine.

I stuck by the fact that thinking is an action.

Like if I spend every night fantasizing about axe-murdering someone, it's obviously not as bad as actually doing it. But participating in the action of thinking about it, is still an action.

I understand that I am powerless over my thoughts. But that is only to a certain degree. I can sit around and dream of poisoning my co-workers night after night as I coddle my deadly nightshade plants, or I can try and get my mind off of it. I can work on my dynamic yodeling skills, or read a book, or go rollerskating or something.

In my ex-boyfriend's case it was about screwing other women, so it was obviously more serious to me than the goofy scene I've painted here, but still...

I'm just saying that thinking is an action. I believe the dictionary still lists it as a verb. Intention is an action too.

2006-05-05T22:30:00.000-07:00

THIS POST HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH RELIGION AT ALL.

This one time, I was really bored and I was looking through my hall closet for no particular reason when I came across an enema that I had been ordered to administer to myself before a surgery.

So, just to break up the Minnesota winter monotony, I gave myself the enema.

My 6 year old daughter and I laughed our asses off as I writhed on my bedroom floor in seriously comical stomach pain, while my 2 year old stared at me with a look of premonition -- like she knew, deep down in her soul, that her life with me was gonna be a long, strange, trip.

Even more strange than the fact that I gave myself the enema to begin with, was the fact that the saline solution never came out... I wonder if it's still in there with the piece of gum I swallowed 7 years ago.

maybe I was wrong...

2006-05-04T17:35:00.000-07:00

Maybe I'm just totally sick, but one of my faves is finding out when I was wrong about something.

There is HUGE liberation in figuring out where I am wrong, adjusting perspective, and learning how to re-think things. Sometimes it hurts like hell, but it is a jumping off point... and it is always a catalyst for growing closer to God.

* * *

Anyway, I totally admire a certain buddhist right now for giggling at my frustration, and pointing out to me that most (real) buddhists are also consternated by the behavior I was earlier condemning.

Just to even the score:

* One of my most-admired acquaintences is a chick who lived in her car, just so she could attend lutheran seminary... she was recently accosted by a tract-passer-outer and accused of being a "false prophet." ha ha ha.

* I know a local fellow who claims to be a Quaker, but is the biggest phony/womanizer on Earth. p.u.

* The person I know who does the greatest work for the poor, and is the best example of "christian" behavior, is my boss who is an athiest.

* My spiritual advisor is an agnostic.

* I have an irrational fear of men with mustaches, and am such a lame-ass stereotyper that I think they are all rapists because they insist on displaying pubic hair on their faces.

From this point forth, my view of buddhists is forever changed. Mountains of bad-actors have forever been erased by one simple giggler. namaste. <-- I can't believe I just said that :)

My popularity is about to go down...

2006-05-03T04:58:00.000-07:00

"Be still and know that I am God..."

"...know that I am God" indicates that nobody else is.
"...know that I am God" attests that God is the only one.
"...know that I am God" reminds us to be simple and humble.

I am a figment of God's imagination. God is not a figment of mine.

***

My dad is a buddhist. He is always running around trying to get other people to realize that they are upset about samsara.

I keep telling him that I'm not upset. I'm fine. But he won't take no for an answer. Then I do get pissed. He is a big, fat, drunken samsara.

***

Back in the '70's when TM was popular, my mom used to lie about the height of her ascension, just to make people jealous.

***

At a meditation meeting some time ago, I voiced some frustration about not knowing how to meditate. I felt that blocking my thoughts and circumventing reality was ridiculous and futile.

Suddenly, this guy got really mad, jumped up, and hovered over me. He yelled "I am a buddhist, and that is the most absurd thing I have ever heard."

He acted like he was going to hit me.

Having been a street-kid for 4 years, my wildcat came out, and I was ready for a fight.

The bully ran out of the room and left. He was a samsara.

***

Since then, I've learned how to meditate. Really meditate. This is what I have to say about it.

The samsarians can take their endless cycle and shove it up their ass for all I care (no offense to any real buddhists out there).
Samsara is an illusion (no pun intended).
The only upsetting thing about samsara, is the fact that people keep trying to upset each other about it.

A word to the wise... if someone approaches you and tries to get you to validate their belief in the illusion, the best thing to do is yell "FUCK YOU" at the top of your lungs, and run the other way.

(Private note to the guy at the coffee shop who wouldn't shut up about samsara the other day: did it ever dawn on you that maybe there is a source that is not you behind the illusion?

If you would shut up for 1 second, then I could tell you that I am not buying what you are selling

If I would let me get a word in edgewise, I could tell you that I am not subscribing to your magazine.

Quit trying to use my spirit to validate your insanity. I'd rather be a suicide-bomber than like you... at least I would be more overt about the violence -- killing someone's spirit is just as bad as lobotomizing someone or slitting their throats.

It's a darn good thing that Jesus taught us to love each other as ourselves, if he hadn't, I would've punched you right in the nose... Chew on that next time you insult a christian.)

***
note to self: your mantra for today: look at the plank not the speck, look at the plank not the speck, look at the plank not the speck, look at the plank not the speck, look at the plank not the speck, look at the plank not the speck.

Freedom to be

2006-05-02T08:08:00.000-07:00

To be, or not to be, that is the question... (Hamlet 3/1)

Is the question raised by the Danish prince about whether or not to kill himself?

If that were really the idea, wouldn't the quote be "to live or not to live"?

The most spiritually addicting exercise I have done is to be. Just be.

Here's what happened:

I was trying to be a stepford wife. I was judging myself by other people's standards and not letting God's kid live. My ego was pointing a gun at me, like the child in the photo.

Then, I got caught. My spiritual advisor figured me out. She told me I could not kill my light. She told me that my life could not be authentic or good or real like that. She forbade me to do that anymore.

I regressed. I called her 25 times a day crying and wailing. But she stood firm: my options were to be or not be, there was no other avenue that I was allowed to explore. God either was, or He wasn't. The choice was mine, but I had to choose, it could take me 50 years to choose, but I had to actively work on making the decision... these were the rules: I had to tell myself the truth; I had to let others make their own decisions; I was responsible for the effort not the outcome; I had to give up control.

Shit.

By some miracle, the weak little light beat the infinite field of darkness. God won.

The ditch is still there, but the path is widening. And slowly, we enter the Kingdom.

the silence

2006-05-01T04:06:00.000-07:00

My daughter Freya's eyes

God is the strength in which I trust.
***
If I am trusting in my own strength,
I have every reason to be apprehensive,
anxious, and fearful.

What can I predict or control?

What is there in me that can be counted on?

What would give me the ability
to be aware of all the facets of any problem,
and to resolve them in such a way that only good
can come of it?

What is there in me
that gives me the recognition of the right solution,
and the guarantee that it will be accomplished?

-A Course In Miracles, lesson 47-

When my children look at me, their eyes bore into my soul.
They look past Allison.
The hue of their irises take on the vibrant strength of a profound, eternal, human connection.

I can see that they trust me;
The weight of their trust is too much to bear.

I can feel them searching for God in me;
The depth of their probing is too great.

They can see the world in a grain of sand;
and heaven in a wildflower.

They can hold infinity in the palm of their hands;
and eternity in an hour.

I know that there is nothing there to find...
I try to tell them that...
I am powerless and impotent...

They won't listen... they can't see that they are the masters.
They incessantly seek the light in me... I can see it in their eyes.

They hold the spark... tenaciously kindling the still, small voice inside.

It is vital to our souls that we continue to ignite each other's fires;
The world is chasing us down: patiently and incessantly trying to kill our spirits.

The quieter we get, the more we can see that the thing that is chasing us is the nothing
(~the void, the apathy, the dehumanization, the ego, the boogeyman~).

And just like their patience with me, they are patient with the world;
they remain sensitive no matter how much it hurts,
reminding me that He said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like littlechildren, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."

Sobbing at the glory of God.

2006-04-30T12:04:00.000-07:00

"There is one principal which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and can never fail to hold a man in everlasting ignorance... that principle is contempt prior to investigation" -- Herbert Spencer

***

Today I went to the Methodist church. Even though I was up all night cleaning, I felt really compelled to go. I set the alarm, even though its Sunday, and groggily made it in just before the service started.

I didn't see pastor Bill anywhere, and my unease expanded as a crabby-looking old man with bushy eyebrows hobbled up onto the stage (or whatever its called).

He did not hold the normal scripture conversation (which is where the pastor and congregation all talk about the scripture that was read), he did not address the kids during children's time, and I was more than a little disappointed by my decision to be at church rather than in bed.

I suspected that this guy thought he was better than everyone else because he was a pastor. I thought he might be like one of those Pentacostals that kwakersaur's been telling us about.

But then when he started his sermon, he gave us the most amazing message! He spoke about us all being God's children, and analogized us going through life like a trapeze artist who falls, and that God's arms are the net which catches us and lifts us back up.

He told us about visiting an old woman in the hospital who wasn't wearing her dentures, and how embarrassed and ashamed she was that the pastor should see her in that condition when her own husband never even had.

He reminded us of God's pride in us, and how we should never feel shamed or wrong when we are in unity with the father. How we are all beautiful no matter what.

He spoke about the family of humanity, and the traits that we see in our children that we mimic to God -- thinking we know what's best and rallying every time things don't go our way.

He reminded us that God is eternally amused by our prayers of complaint, and at our crying and moaning when faced with anything new, and how like a patient sheep dog nudges her pups with her nose, that is how God guides us.

His gorgeous sermon moved me to tears several times, and then he followed it up with a sumptuous prayer which stressed unity, appeasement, and an all-enveloping love.

Now I just can't stop crying. They are not tears of sorrow at all. Just awe and wonder at the beauty of love... I feel like a fuckin' hippie, but I just can't help it.

Social barriers, physical deformities, differences in class -- they just crumble like ashes when we are living in God's all-encompassing love. ~sniffle~

Scary books

2006-04-28T03:44:00.000-07:00

I read a Christian horror novel once called Nephilim. I liked it a lot, because it was super creepy in a Emily Rose/The Exorcist kind of way, and it was a page turner.

The premise for the book was that aliens are not real, but the sightings that people see are actually demons, and this guy was uncovering a government plot.

Reading it was like crawling into the mind of my psychotic auntie Karen. She is the only example of Christianity I had ever seen growing up, and she was so mental that she wouldn't let her kids play with plaing cards, watch TV, or do anything other than work, because of the demons that resided in fun. She beat the hell out of my cousins.

When I was a little girl, I slept over at her house a few times when my mom was super desperate for a babysitter. She liked to scare me about the rapture and how it was not too late for me, but for sure my mom would be left behind and forced to suffer , but I could save my own ass now if I wanted to.

It was through a 4 year old's allegiance with her mother that I totally feared God (in a bad way), refused to believe in God, and it was at that point that I first gave the finger to the establishment...

When I picked up the bible as an adult, it was through total boredom and so I was lookin' for a scary, horror story, but read Matthew's beattitudes instead and found that the bible wasn't so scary after all (I found Genesis though, and if I remember correctly, the story of the two girls doin' it with their dad satisfied my horror craving). I read on, and really liked the Jesus protagonist, because he also seemed to say F.U. to the establishment.

Now when I am lookin' for something scary to read, I read Ezekiel and wonder if the "wheel" was actually a UFO/demon mobile. :)

Good works... parables... gifts from God

2006-04-27T19:27:00.000-07:00

This morning I read the parable of the ten virgins. I couldn't help but wonder why the virgins with the extra oil wouldn't just kick down a little to the needy ones... presumably they would all be screwed if they shared.

I have a tough time with the parables (just like I'm supposed to), but reading that particular story in its context, it is all about getting to know God's other children and really serving God.

The creepy thought of crying out to God and Him not knowing me ("I tell you the truth, I do not know you." Mat. 2:12) makes me shudder... how can that happen?

Fortunately, good old JC never lets us hang for long; he immediately follows up with the parable of the king returning home: an exclamation mark about service to others.

Camus wrote an interesting tale called The Fall it is all about the whys behind our works. I've heard it said that to God, our good works are like dirty rags, that we really can't please God with the actual deeds.

This leaves us with quite a quandary... how do we not pray like hypocrites for rewards from men, but do Christian works for God's pleasure, when he thinks our crappy deeds suck no matter what?

I think this all points to intention, and the depth of motivation behind our deeds.

Poor Camus never seems to grasp the fact that if we are working to Glorify God and that the action is glory, not self or ego... then the message is pure.

Anarchochristoism rant

2006-04-26T05:06:00.000-07:00

Let's forget about the Iraq war for a second... What we should do, is set up a fund for the poor and only people who spend millions on biblical archaeology can give to it. Let 'em put their money where their mouth is!

***
So, who really give a shit if Jesus was married or not? What's the big whoop?

Big, fat, gasp... the Roman Catholic church surpressed the fact that Jesus was married. Holy Toledo!

We don't really need to look that far into it to see that sometimes the Roman Catholics don't exactly play fair (can you say Inquisition?)... but heck, let's look at the plank in our own eyes.

***

Politically, the neo-gnostics are just as guilty of slander and lies as any other fundamentalist sect, but they are getting some type of mass sympathy due to the fact that they proclaim themselves to be few and peaceful.

It is no different than any other political outcry that creates a big stink to distract us while the really big, important stuff gets no attention at all because everyone is looking at the absurd. It is a confidence game (gay marriage, abortion rights, whether real christians vote Bush, are total distractors that can have no possible resolution).

***
I'm all about scholarship, but for God's sake, can't you just picture the line of "archaeologists" with their cameras walking past the poor in Ethiopia, waving at everyone like they're the fuckin' queen of England with their cameras and books, trying to find the Arc of the Covenant or some other crap like that?

What are they looking past in order to hoard more of the almighty dollar?

Why did someone recently spend $300,000 to purchase the Gospel of Judas, and we all cough into our hankies and clap at the great bargain?

Do these assholes realize that there are 9 year old girls in the very same country as the arc of the covenant, who are living outside, because the birth of their first child fucked up their bodies and now they are useless to their 40 year old husbands?

Do any of these wealthy assholes realize that there are still leper colonies? That the kingdom of God us upon us now, and we have a chance to alleviate suffering, but they can't just leave it to the minority?

The main books on the non-fiction best seller list right now are all about Jesus being married, Jesus not having died on the cross, etc. It's so dumb. Who gives a rat's ass. What about following Jesus' example? What about finding compassion, and loving our brothers as ourselves? What about the poor? What about the orphans? What can be done to stop the current slave trade? What can we do about anything real? Anything other than whether Jesus french kissed Mary Magdalene, or it was just a friendly kiss... Clinton said, "I repeat, I did not have sex with that woman," but unfortunately, Jesus is not making any more public statements.

***

Furthermore (1/2 hour later): Why do I know a woman who is about to give birth, but has nowhere to live? She could stay with me, but I already have a very sick homeless man taking up my childrens' room.

Why am I still running into homeless women on the street, that are sick and sad, and nobody treats them like humans?

Why was it that the only people who reached out to me when I was a homeless teen, were perverts who wanted to pay to fuck me (they always got an earful, and never any action, btw)?

***
I repeat: Let's forget about the Iraq war for a second... What we should do, is set up a fund for the poor and only people who spend millions on biblical archaeology can give to it. Let 'em put their money where their mouth is!

God's world can be so bittersweet.

2006-04-24T20:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my daughter's 7th birthday. A major celebration.

The day before was my other daughter's 11th birthday. A wonderfully joyous day.

Smack dab in the middle of it all, we found one of our friends (a juvenile squirrel) gnawed on by a dog and lying at the base of a tree; barely alive, and seemingly in a lot of pain. We'd had a pretty close relationship with her - playing and clicking at her whenever we walked by her tree. I even told all of my patients at work about her (I work in dentistry, so any distraction story gets told, and re-told).

In a veil of tears, we traipsed home to get some latex gloves so we could safely pick her up, and of all the things we could have passed, a gently-used animal carrier sat right in the path of the alley.

We collectively sent her psychic love. We pet her and observed her slight improvement in comfort as she received the gentle strokes. We bought her a flea collar, since she was covered in parasites. We woke up every 4 hours to feed her, covering ourselves in bizarre and humiliating plastic bag outfits, so we wouldn't catch her fleas. She ate a little and she drank a lot of water. She seemed to be smiling and we did our best to console our weary friend. We prayed and meditated, and we all forgot about the birthday excitement. Then we remembered the birthdays. We all believed that our lucky find in the alley was a good omen.

Tragically, she passed away late at night. We bawled and sobbed and mourned our loss. Then we seriously discussed where her proper final resting place should be. We know of a secret place in our neighborhood where the Ellis Brothers live (the Ellis Brothers are a dead squirrel and a dead lobster that live behind my work), and considered placing her there with them, but it just seemed too cold and uncaring to place her with the Ellises.

After much consideration, the only answer we could come up with was taxidermy. Yes folks, taxidermy.

Now I have a dead squirrel in my freezer, waiting for the DNR to issue us a mounting permit, so I can give my little ones the ultimate birthday gift... a stuffed squirrel.

***

God works in mysterious ways ~sob~, I can't believe my little friend is gone.

odd, post-resurrection statement...

2006-04-22T18:32:00.000-07:00

I don't really get why Jesus said "don't cling to me, I have not yet risen to my father," to Mary Magdalene after the resurrection.

I just don't get it at all...

FAITH

2006-04-20T03:59:00.000-07:00

Last night, a commentor made the following statement:

"I had to find a Jesus who wasn't just an ideological underwriting of suburbia before I could let myself believe."

What an awesome statement.

The creepy idea that we must have a blanket of faith or else burn in hell is quite troublesome to those who are unable to believe...

The 'suburban underwriting Jesus' is the loudest voice available to us; it tells us that "if you are good, God will let you keep up with the Joneses."

That shrill, squaking underwriting turns traumatic life events from reality into some type of karmic* re-payment by God (like the time my cousin was kidnapped and raped, and my aunt -- who claims to be christian -- told her that God was simply punishing her for her sins), and in contrast, it overpowers the still, small voice deep inside.

***

On a personal level, I have to admit that I only enjoy the company/conversation of those who are able to think for themselves, and as a result, I have several athiests in my life who I love very much, and who think that christianity is total crap. As devout as I am, I totally understand their points of view, and for the most part, I think that they are closer to God and way more heaven-bound than, oh let's say, Pat Robertson, who recently made a public statement that Ariel Sharon's recent health crises are punishments by God for his Judaism... and for dividing up the holy land. BARF.

And furthermore, isn't that the same as karma*?

* I would like to point out that there are many religions who firmly teach karma. the result of that teaching in many of those countries, is that the downtrodden are somehow cursed, and not to be associated with b/c their bad karma is contagious and can interfere with one's own good karma: e.g. do not associate with a child who has been recently been orphaned or they can not learn their karmic lessons, and worse, mixing their luck with yours can set you back for many, many lifetimes... quite the oppostite of christianity, and never to be confused with it.

Advanced Christianity...

2006-04-19T06:34:00.000-07:00

seems to me, the advancement of christianity in one's soul would be total peace, love, simplicity, humility... and utter compassion.

many of us have discovered that accomplishment of these goals can come in one of two ways...

1) try to be totally mindful of the goal, only to ultimately discover that the more we fill our minds with the basics of christianity, the more our egos show us the lack in others... very difficult, totally futile, and probably how the really bad evangelists became fanatics.

2) turn will and life over to God... accept God's grace which lets the small voice become louder than the ego, and look at the plank in our own eye rather than the speck in our brother's eye.

Remember thee, that is is through acceptance of grace, and rememberance that our minds and souls are a part of God's (our as in OUR FATHER, rather than MY FATHER), and we are all very holy... it is through Grace alone that we are saved.

ENTROPY

2006-04-18T07:22:00.000-07:00

"life is but a walking shadow, a poor player who struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." Macbeth(Act V, Scene V).

***

I've had a sense of entropy since I was about 3 or 4. I came to the painful realization as a very young child that my parents would probably die before me, because they were older. I had a nighmare about my sister getting hit by a car right in front of me. Nobody was able to squelch the sense that birth was the summit of life, I could not throw that idea out. I knew that the peak had passed. Now we are all dying.

Then as a young teenager (about 16 years old or so). The 1st Gulf War began, it was like an egg cracking in my soul, deep down I knew that there were children being orphaned simply because of their geographical location of birth.

I was a very popular, cheerleader type, and none of my friends wanted to hear it. Nobody else really cared. I couldn't ignore it, so I Timothy Leary-ed (tune in, turn on, drop out), and became a full fledged existentialist anarchist (Still am).

Those events have reverberated throughout my life more than anything else... even the advent of motherhood and suddenly becoming Christian one night out of nowhere (after being raised in a Wiccan household) have not affected me nearly as much as those realizations did.

Frankly, I just want nothing to do with anything that is inauthentic, at all.

I am reading Jung right now... oddly, he states that many of us are lightning-bolted by that reality early on in life, that some of us choose to ignore it and follow the masses, but some of us have no choice but to go with it, and develop a deep sense of reality.

Why did God do this to me?

Why did He make me this way?

I have tried to rejoin society by varying paths of pretending... but I am not a very convincing liar.

Here are the methods I have tried: reading cosmo, going to charm school, going to therapy, drinking myself into oblivion, moving, going to college and getting a career, shoving my thoughts of futility into the denial spot in my psyche, the list goes on...

The only relief I get is through Bible study. That is why I am such a Jesus freak.

CHRISTIAN LIVING

2006-04-17T05:29:00.000-07:00

Contrary to popular belief, Christian living is not for everybody. It is not for the half-assed or the faint hearted. I am not talking about evangelism. I am talking about Christian living, period.

I have had many Christian brothers warn me about my timid, sick, sad, homeless "roommate"; and urge me to get him out of my house... after all, the kids shouldn't have to grow up in an environment like that.

My reply is always that my children are growing up with the teachings of the Lord, and that I will therefore leave it up to him to decide what my children should be exposed to ('I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'); but all I want to do is defend my decision and describe my poor, abused, friend... He is so harmless and kind. I love him so much.

In my experience, Jesus' teachings are hard enough to follow throughout an entire day. And that the requirement for being allowed to judge others is that we take the plank out of our own eyes prior to the speck of dust in our brother's eye.

It is baffling to me that so many Christians never volunteer, bother to get to know the homeless in their area, nor open up their homes to the downtrodden. And yet, now that I have gotten that far, my eyes are still full of sawdust. Getting further into it, and when tempted to judge my so-called Christian brothers for leaving such a big load to those of us who really want it, I learn to leave the judgment up to God, and keep trudging the road.

And yet, could my simple complaints about the impossibility of doing all this work alone possibly be an act of bragging like the Lord spoke of in Matthew 6? Is it a sin to tell others about my one-woman Christian ministry? Or is it letting my light shine on a hill?

How many times a day is the Lord's Prayer/Our Father uttered in North America alone? With 72% of the residents of the US claiming Christianity as their religion, it must be in the millions. Yet for the first 2 years or so of my own Christian journey, that prayer was uttered out of superstition rather than as a spiritual outcry. To me, the prayer that the Lord taught was a form of thought-vomit rather than something to be meditated upon. It has been reported to me that the superstitious take is the more common one. that makes me sad, but there I go judging again.

When communing with the Holy Spirit (like the Quakers), one can meditate for hours on the simple phrase "Our Father."

I guess it all comes down to motives. Pure and simple. If I am worried about pleasing the Lord, none of the judgments placed on me by my Christian brothers and sisters can hold water. If the judgments and comments bother me, than I can actually rejoice, because the Lord also told us "Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

GREAT ARTICLE LINK

2006-04-16T17:50:00.000-07:00

There is a great article linked here about biblical authenticity.

I'd highly recommend it.

NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCES

2006-04-14T12:01:00.000-07:00

You know what? All of the devout people who have near death experiences seem to describe heaven and churches and people,

while the new agers talk about a light.

Isn't the definition of Lucifer "bringer of light" ?

I'm not liking it...

GOSPEL OF JUDAS

2006-04-10T06:55:00.000-07:00

Did anyone watch the "unveiling" of the Gospel of Judas yesterday on National Geographic?

What a very odd text. I've tried to read the Nag Hamadi library and it is just so convoluted and aspiritual that I gave up on it.

The Nag Hammadi texts essentially say that there is a higher God than God (named Sophia, or wisdom) and that is the God we should be worshipping.

It also says that Sophia accidentally created the God who created the Earth as some type of byproduction. Super creepy shit.

Anyhow, this Gospel of Judas actually turns Jesus' death into sort of a magic show where Jesus ordered his own betrayal.

The National Geographic show makes it sound like all 1st century christians were gnostic, and leads us to the conclusion that the gnostic beliefs are the true, christian, strongholds. Not good. I can see the antichrist climbing the temple mount right now (tee hee).

I'd highly recommend watching it; of course our own conclusions are the most valuable.

THE DEVIL

2006-04-08T22:15:00.000-07:00

The devil himself quoted scripture to Jesus... in the Bible.

This dawned on me some time ago, and the repurcussions are huge. There's this superstition in the Christian community that just 'cuz someone is quoting scripture, they are holy.

There are false prophets all around, trying to make a bad name for Jesus... that's such bullshit. The devil is a big, fat, gross, liar, his number one lie is that God wants you to hate others, and that God is just sitting around waiting for you to fuck up. Actually, the devil is the one who is doing that. God loves us no matter what.

Our refusal to follow a hate-mongering, judgmental, a-hole is a refusal to trust the enemy. But unfortunately, most of us hang that icky image on the wrong guy... it is the devil, NOT GOD who is judging and hating.

Oh, and for those of you who don't believe in the devil... that's his other number one lie: that he doesn't exist.

What does it all mean?

2006-04-06T19:11:00.000-07:00

According to the Bible, Jesus is this eccentric, rule-breaking, anarchist... in fact, his first biblical statements totally annihilate all of the rules and regulations set forth in the Torah: don't hate, don't judge, just love everyone and leave the rest to God.

That's totally someone I can follow,
but then...

Well, all we have to do is look around to see the perversion of that message.

I am a young, free-spirit, who is totally down with J.C. and all he stands for, but I just want to barf whenever I encounter anyone else who claims Christianity.

((went to a Quaker pot-luck tonight))

shakespeare, scripture, entropy, christianity, church, diary, biblical scholar links, quaker, methodist, motherhood, life,

2006-01-01T06:28:00.000-08:00

Title=what this blog is supposed to be about... hrmph.